


swimming

by rubanrose



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Roommates, a bit of angst, mentions the death of a parent, mostly a positive fic, self improvement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 02:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10584513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubanrose/pseuds/rubanrose
Summary: “I think I’m drowning,” Doyoung says, and Taeil’s eyebrows furrow.“Have you really tried swimming?”





	

**Author's Note:**

> just warning you that i wrote doyoung out of character. i was trying to portray him changing to become who he really is? in a way?  
> i know some parts may seem unrealistic a little because of how well everyone reacts to doyoung's honesty but i was trying to make it positive

Doyoung doesn’t know when exactly he fell in love with his roommate. One day, the idea of kissing Taeil comes to Doyoung’s mind and he’s surprised not to find it displeasing. He starts unconsciously paying attention to Taeil’s small habits, like the way he makes a perfect pile with his textbooks on his desk every night, or the way he bites his bottom lip when he’s studying. 

Taeil’s made of cotton. There are no sharp angles to him, only soft lines. He’s always gentle, whether he’s turning the pages of a book or threading through Doyoung’s hair as they watch a movie. He pays attention, his eyes scanning Doyoung’s face when he’s talking as if he could read him. 

Doyoung doesn't expect anything from Taeil, and it's fine that way. Expectations ruin everything. 

So when Taeil asks him if he’s okay, he says yes, even if he’d like to tell him he can’t find a second to breathe even when he’s resting. Doyoung wants to tell Taeil he feels like he’s dying slowly, wasting his life for people who don’t need him to. 

Doyoung doesn’t tell him. He keeps his feelings to himself, whether they’re about life in general or about Taeil specifically. Taeil doesn’t need to know about his feelings, and Doyoung doesn’t want to bother him. 

 

* * *

 

Doyoung doesn’t cry, ever. He’s used to swallowing back tears, closing his fists tightly until his nails left marks against his palms. He controls his emotions, not the other way around.

He cries one time.

He’s sitting at his desk, a textbook open in front of him, pages lit up by the lamp next to him. He doesn’t know what causes it but once the tears start gathering at the corner of his eyes he can find a thousand reasons to keep crying. His throat closes up and he tries to calmly breathe through his nose, clumsily wiping his eyes with the long sleeves of his sweater.

He can’t stop the sob that breaks the silence of the room. Doyoung presses his palm against his mouth to try to silence himself and grips onto the desk with his other hand to stop it from shaking so much.

There are hands on his shoulders, sliding around his neck until it turns into a hug, a chest pressing against his back. Hands are pulling his hand from the desk, gently but firmly before holding him close. Doyoung moves his hand covering his mouth to hold onto one of the arms encircling him and a few sobs come out of his mouth. He doesn’t try to dry the tears running down his cheek. The embrace is warm and Doyoung closes his eyes, his body shaking.

Taeil makes him feel safe, he makes him feel like it’s okay to cry.

They move to Taeil’s bed, Taeil’s arms always holding him, reminding him of his presence. Doyoung cries like he hasn’t cried in forever.

He leans against Taeil, hiding his face against his shoulder as the older strokes his back in a comforting way.

Once Doyoung has calmed down, dried his tears and blew his nose, he finally looks up at Taeil. His roommate’s eyes are soft, full of worry and Doyoung holds his stare.

“I think I’m drowning,” he says, and Taeil’s eyebrows furrow.

“Have you really tried swimming?”

Silence fills the room as Doyoung’s face goes blank.

Had he tried swimming?

He hadn’t. He never told his father he didn’t want to go to law school. He never stood for himself when people stepped on him.

Doyoung was drowing because he wasn’t even trying to fight the waves.

His face must’ve turned bitter because Taeil puts his arms around him again, pulling him close. Taeil is small but he gives the warmest hugs and Doyoung lets himself be held for once. The older boy kisses the top of his head as they lean back on the bed.

Doyoung doesn’t realize it when he falls asleep against Taeil. When he wakes up, it’s early in the morning and Taeil’s face is a few inches from his. He looks peaceful when he’s asleep, and if Doyoung wasn’t so tired he would’ve looked at him from longer. He pulls on the blanket that Taeil must’ve put on top of them before going to sleep and smiles as he goes back to dreamland.

Doyoung is going to learn how to swim, and he’s not scared because there’s a buoy he can hold onto if it gets too hard.

There are 5 things he needs to do to improve himself, and he intends on doing them all.

 

* * *

 

He starts it off with the most easy thing on his list. He stands in front of Yuta, his eyes staring right back at him instead of looking down. There are a few of Yuta’s friends standing a safe distance away and Doyoung tries not to look at them.

“I’m not doing this project by myself. Either we split the work equally or we do it together,” he says firmly to which Yuta answers with a light chuckle, surprising Doyoung.

“That’s fine, man. Just give me your number and we can meet at the library,” he tells him with a smile.

Doyoung’s eyes are wide are he stares at Yuta. All this time he had worked alone on their project thinking there was no way Yuta was going to help him, and all this time he had been wrong.

Doyoung used to be good with people. He was a natural leader and always had a lot of friends. People were drawn to him and he was even elected class president in 5th grade. He wasn’t someone who let others step on him, at least until his mother died when he was 12.

His parents had always been a pair that completed each other. His father pushed while his mother comforted him. He asked for more when she congratulated him.

Not only did her death cause an emptiness in Doyoung’s life, he was stuck with only one half of the pair. He was stuck with the pushing and the high expectations without anyone to tell him it was okay, that he was doing fine.

Most people blamed Doyoung’s change of personality on his mother. They said her death troubled him, and he started to close up on himself. Maybe that was partly the truth, because most of Doyoung’s problems stemmed from there. His father had his part to play in it, but it was mostly Doyoung’s own fault for turning quiet, for not being able to believe in himself now that his source of strength was gone.

He knows the Doyoung from his childhood still exists, and he is going to get him back.

He looks at Yuta’s open palm for a little too long, which makes the japanese boy laugh at him again.

“Your phone?”

Doyoung laughs his embarrassment off, reaching into his pocket to take his phone.

“I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you, I swear,” Yuta says as he types his number into Doyoung’s phone. “I wanted to see if you’d come up to me and ask me to do something. I would’ve gone to you if you hadn’t come to me today.”

Doyoung puts his phone back in his pocket, shrugging. “I wasn’t going to talk to you about it at first,” he admits. “But I’m glad I did.”

“You know, people say things about you. That you’re easy and that you never get angry. You shouldn’t live up to these rumors.”

Doyoung knows about it, yet it still hurts to hear it from Yuta.

“I won’t. Thank you, I guess. Please text me soon,” Doyoung tells him, and bids him goodbye before walking away.

That had been easy.

 

* * *

 

The next thing on his list is something he’s been meaning to do for months.

He sits down in front of Taeyong who’s on his phone while eating, oblivious to the chaos in the dining hall. He looks up when Doyoung sits in front of him and opens his mouth to greet him but he doesn’t have the time.

“Hey. I know I said we could be friends and I’ve been acting like nothing’s wrong since we broke up but I want us to stop talking because I kind of hate you right now,” says Doyoung quickly, not giving Taeyong any time to interrupt him. “I know you didn’t really do it consciously and that you’re not a bad person but what you did hurt me and I would like some time to get over you and maybe some day forgive you.”

Taeyong stares at him with wide eyes. “We’ve been casually texting for months now. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because I was stupid and I thought I’d get over it. I’m sorry,” Doyoung apologizes, looking down at his hands.

“You know I would’ve given you space if you had asked me to, right?”

Doyoung nods. “I know. This was about me, not about you. I hope you have a good day.”

Doyoung stands up and walks out of the dining hall, his chin held high, his back straight, without looking back.

Doyoung and Taeyong met when they were 14, when Doyoung had a slight rebel phase and smoked cigarettes behind his house when his dad wasn’t home, to see if it would make him feel better. Taeyong was his back neighbour who joined him for a smoke once in awhile until Doyoung gave up on smoking. They had been each other’s gay experiments. Taeyong was Doyoung’s first kiss, the one who took his virginity and the first person he fell in love with. Doyoung kept his feelings for Taeyong to himself for 4 years, watching him flirt with girls at school as they met in Taeyong’s basement to make out after classes.

Doyoung knew it was his fault for not telling him he liked him, so he was never mad at Taeyong. He did end up telling him and they dated for a few months until Doyoung caught him making out with Ten, his current boyfriend.

It wasn’t really Taeyong’s fault that he fell for someone else, but it was his fault for not properly breaking up with Doyoung before it happened. Taeyong was probably scared of hurting him and it’s understandable. Doyoung doesn’t know what he would’ve done in his place.

Doyoung realized he wasn’t really in love with Taeyong himself, but with the idea of Taeyong. He wished it’d help make the breakup easier. It didn’t help Doyoung feel less lonely, and it didn’t help him feel better about himself, but at least he could let go of Taeyong.

He would’ve let go of Taeyong if the other hadn’t been so keen on staying friends and Doyoung hadn’t been able to tell him he didn’t really want to.

 

* * *

 

“I heard you talked to Taeyong today,” Taeil says that night, laying on his bed in his pajamas while reading a book for one of his classes. “Johnny said he saw you both at the dining hall and Taeyong seemed upset.”

“I might’ve told him I didn’t want to be his friend,” Doyoung mutters, his eyes cast down on his textbook because he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about Taeyong. (Also, it might have to do with the fact that Taeil looks so _damn_ cute in his blue pajamas and Doyoung knows it’ll be hard looking away if he looks up.)

Taeil doesn’t say anything after that, but when Doyoung finally moves his gaze from his textbook to his roommate, Taeil is smiling at him.

 

* * *

 

Doyoung spends 5 minutes pacing in front of Jaehyun’s door before Sicheng comes out of the room, almost bumping into him.

“Hey, Doyoung!” he greets, smiling widely. “Jaehyun’s inside if you want to talk to him.”

Doyoung thanks him, walking past him into the room as Sicheng walks down the hallway to leave.

Doyoung’s childhood friend is sitting on his bed watching something on his laptop. His hair is a mess and he’s wearing his old pajamas, the ones with holes near his knees because Doyoung and him slid on the floor of the long hallway in Jaehyun’s house on their knees too many times. They’re his comfort pajamas, Doyoung knows he wears them when he’s feeling down.

Jaehyun puts his laptop away when Doyoung sits in front of him, raising an eyebrow.

“What are you doing here?” he asks a little dryly.

“I’ve been avoiding you for two weeks,” admits Doyoung, looking down at his hands.

Jaehyun nods. “You have been avoiding me, indeed.”

“I’m really sorry about that. Has she spoken to you?”

Jaehyun crooks his head to the side slightly in an unwillingly cute manner.

“Your girlfriend. I caught her cheating on you two weeks ago,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun nods, waiting for him to explain himself. “I wanted to tell you, but she asked me to wait, that she would tell you herself. And I didn’t know how to face you while knowing that she was cheating without telling you.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and his frown breaks into a small smile.

“It’s okay, Doyoung. We broke up yesterday,” Jaehyun says. He leans forward to place his hand on Doyoung’s knee. “I’m not mad at you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

Doyoung shrugs.

“I should’ve given her an ultimatum to tell you within the weekend. I was too nice to her. I’m so sorry,” Doyoung apologizes again, and Jaehyun rolls his eyes.

“You should’ve, but that’s just not how you are,” Jaehyun tells him, and Doyoung knows he doesn’t mean it in a bad way, but it still stings.

“I’m not gonna be like that anymore, Jaehyun,” says Doyoung as he moves to sit by Jaehyun’s side, placing his head on his shoulder. “I’m going to stop being a pushover. And I’ll be happy.”

“Are you going to talk to your dad?” Jaehyun inquires.

“Tomorrow.”

“I’m proud of you.”

 

* * *

 

Doyoung and Taeil watch a movie together, sitting side by side on Doyoung’s bed.

“You’ve been looking happier this week,” Taeil whispers after a while during one of the boring parts of the movie.

“I am happier,” agrees Doyoung.

His hand reaches for Taeil’s, intertwining their fingers. The older boy doesn’t pull away.

 

* * *

 

Piles of paperwork cover Doyoung’s father’s desk. There’s a small picture frame with the 3 of them, Doyoung’s little family, when he was a few years old. It’s the only personal item in his desk, but Doyoung can remember that once his drawings used to be hung up on the wall.

His father tells him he’s busy so he doesn’t have much time. Doyoung doesn’t know how to bring up the subject, so he just goes straight for it.

“I’m not going to law school.”

His father drops his pen before he looks up. His eyebrows are raised in a bewildered look.

“But Doyoung, it’s your dream to take over the law firm, how are you planning on inheriting this place?” he asks as if Doyoung hadn’t been clear enough. The boy rolls his eyes, looking around the office he’d feel claustrophobic in. His father’s eyes are tired, underlined by dark circles. His hair has already turned grey and he has more wrinkles than people do at his age. He lost years of his life working for that law firm, and it had always been the plan to have Doyoung inherit it.

He’s never been able to tell his father he didn’t want to. He wanted his father to be proud of him, he didn’t want to disappoint him. He was going straight into law school a thousand miles per hour without even considering his own happiness.

“I’ve never wanted to be a lawyer, dad. You liked the idea so you assumed I’d like it too. I don’t want to take over this place,” Doyoung protests, his voice shaking, eyes fixated on the miniature stapler on the wooden desk to avoid seeing the disappointed look in his father’s eyes. He swallows back the tears because he knows it would only make it worse to cry.

There are a few minutes of silence and Doyoung is racking his head trying to find something to say.

He remembers coming to his dad’s office when he was little, asking him about his cases and being so impressed. He always looked up to his father and as a kid he used to say he wanted to be like him. He doesn’t know how the childhood dream turned into his main source of stress.

“Is this really want you want?” finally asks his father softly.  

Doyoung nods. “I want to be a teacher. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.”

“I’ll be proud of you no matter what, Doyoung, as long as you’re doing what makes you happy,” his dad tells him and Doyoung’s eyes fill up with tears and he can’t stop them this time.

“Thank you dad.”

“Your mom was a teacher, too,” Doyoung’s father says, and it makes his son smile. He usually never mentions his mother.

“She was. I must’ve gotten my love of children from her.”

His father stands up and walks around the desk to sit next to him. He takes his hand in his.

“She’d be so proud of you. You look just like her, too,” he says, pushing a strand of Doyoung’s hair aside.

Doyoung’s eyes widen. “Do I?”

“You do. Did I ever tell you about how we met?”

The story is long, and it ends up fading into another story about his mother. Doyoung listens to him, to those stories no one had ever told him.

When his father’s secretary comes into the room to tell him he has a meeting soon, he tells her to cancel it.

It’s the first time Doyoung and his father spend more than a few minutes together in years. When he goes home, Doyoung’s heart feels light. His mind is filled with stories of his mother and his smile is the most genuine it has been in years.

 

* * *

 

There’s one last thing on Doyoung’s list.

Taeil is standing by his closet when Doyoung comes home. He’s hanging clothes, humming to music. He smiles at Doyoung when he hears him come in.

“Hi, Doyoung-ah,” he greets him.

Doyoung stands by the door, his words stuck in his throat as he look at him. Taeil’s beautiful. He has always been beautiful, but it seems even more obvious when he’s trying to confess to him. It’s only a few steps to Taeil, so he takes a deep breath and walks the distance.

He stands in front of him, nervously looking into his eyes. Taeil drops the clothes hanger he was holding, his lips parting as he holds Doyoung’s stare.

Doyoung’s hands go up to Taeil’s face, cupping his cheeks and he leans down to him, pressing his lips on his.

Doyoung closes his eyes immediately, getting lost into the kiss. He’s spent so long telling himself it would never happen that it sort of feel like a dream.

Taeil’s answering to the kiss, his hands holding onto Doyoung’s shoulders to keep him down to his height. He tastes like chamomile tea and chocolate and Doyoung’s hands move down to his waist to bring him closer.

They’re panting when he pulls away.

“I had given up on you doing that,” Taeil admits and when he looks up at Doyoung his lips stretch into a gentle smile.

“I can’t let you slip through my fingers this easily.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can...maybe...follow me on twitter if you want i tweet about more groups than nct but. if you want. @jaemintrepid


End file.
